I think part of my obsession with paper could be that I'm a list person. I write grocery lists, to-do lists...sometimes I even write lists of things I've already done, just so I can scratch them off of my list! And let's be real...sometimes a piece of paper just comes in handy to dispose of a piece of gum during church. I love paper!
But I also like to journal. I write about things that I might never tell anyone else...except Jesus. It's kind of like cheap therapy I guess. I like to think of my journal as a non-judgmental friend that I can tell absolutely anything to. (I just hope I have the opportunity to burn them before I die one day so I don't shock my family and friends with how I really feel about things. ha ha).
The other night I wrote on the final pages of a journal that I've been writing in for a couple of years. As I skimmed back through the pages, I was reminded of some difficult things that have happened; things that I have had to wrestle my way through and if I'm honest, I am still wrestling with them. They are things I never would have imagined I'd be writing in the pages of my journal when it was a fresh, clean slate. And I must admit, it was kind of a good feeling to close that journal and put it away.
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As I cracked open a brand new journal, and breathed in its white clean pages, I wondered what words would fill these pages before I am through with it. But despite the challenges and hurts in the journal before, I felt hope rising inside of me for the future.
The words of Paul say it better than I can: "I can’t consider myself a winner yet. This is what I do: I don’t look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God’s heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus" (Philipians 3:13-14, God's Word Translation).
Perhaps burning my old journal isn't such a bad idea...or at the very least maybe I should pack it away and not rehearse its stories. Reliving the past is not a productive way to be in the present. I don't want to spend my time wallowing in the past, distracted from what God wants to do in my life today. I don't want to miss hearing what He is saying to me now. Life is too precious and too short. To move forward I need to keep my eyes fixed ahead of me on "the prize", my calling...my Jesus.
Jesus. There is so much peace and hope that comes from looking to Him. Thankfully I'm not the author of my own story. He is the one who holds the pen and as long as God grants me breath and days, there are new pages to be written; new opportunities, new beginnings...and my heavenly reward waiting for me.
So I've packed away the old journal with the struggles and secrets that only it knows. I lift my eyes to Jesus, thankful for how He has carried me through. I celebrate His faithfulness, and I press on (through gritted teeth sometimes) to the next chapter.
Written by: Esther Allison
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