Motherhood

I remember meeting a friend for coffee when my first daughter was less than a month old. It was just around the corner from my house but it took me all morning to get my daughter changed, fed and ready to go. I fed her, but she spit up all over her outfit and I had to change her. I thought I was ready to take her out to the car, but then she needed another diaper change.... and on and on it went.

When I finally got to the coffee shop, I walked through the doors feeling completely frazzled and haggard with the awkward baby carrier hanging off of one arm and the loaded down diaper bag slung over my other shoulder. I set the car seat onto the table top, completely exhausted and told my poor-first-time-newly-expectant-friend: "I can't to this again! Why do people have children? This is exhausting!"

I was tired, hormonal and a little disillusioned with the whole motherhood thing. I was overwhelmed by what felt like a very daunting task. Until her arrival I had this romantic idea that my sweet little baby would sleep at night and quietly play while I made dinner....but as all mothers discover, most days with a newborn are not like that!

Motherhood felt like a thankless job and I had no idea if I was doing it right. I wasn't sure I'd even survive it, let alone thrive or excel at it, and that felt really terrible to admit...

Then one night when my daughter was still less than 2 months old, her newborn cry woke me up from a deep and much needed sleep. I forced open my heavy eyes and fought feelings of bitterness as my husband lay snoring beside me. I dropped my tired legs over the side of my nice warm bed, and slowly walked toward her frantic, newborn cry. 

In the darkness I picked up her tiny, fussing shadow and a blanket and carried her to the living room. With my one free arm I plugged in the Christmas tree for some dim lighting, then I wearily let myself fall into the couch. I squeezed my eyes tight to hold back the tears of exhaustion. When I opened them I looked right into her tiny little newborn eyes. When our eyes met, her lips curled into her very first little smile. Our eyes locked on each other.

Time stood still. There was a little soul in this tiny body; a personality. She was smiling at me. Her tiny little grin told me that she was happy to see me. I felt a little guilty for my lack of enthusiasm to see her in the middle of the night ...but I also felt an indescribable amount of love for her. 

I'd loved her before she was born, but it's moments like that first smile that have bonded me to her (and all of my children) with an even deeper love. It is a love that is greater and more unique than any other love I've ever known. And it's grown stronger with time and new experiences. To this day, if my kids are sick I can't rest well either; when they are hurting I am hurting. When they excel at something, my mother-pride goes through the roof. When they feel the sting of defeat, I feel it.

Motherhood has taught me what selfless love is all about. I'm certainly not perfect by any means, but there have been so many times when my mother-heart has compelled me to push myself beyond my comfort zone to meet the needs of my children. While my selfish human nature sometimes creeps in and tries to get the best of me, motherhood is refining me and making me a better more selfless person.

I am blessed with three amazing kids who fill my life with love, laughter and memories. I love them more than anything in this world, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Galatians 6:9

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Written By: Esther Allison